See that picture at the top of the page? That’s Cody. I started this blog with him in mind (mostly). I started this blog on another site about the time Cody turned 2. He’s around 3 years old in that shot. Today, he turned 6. The catalyst for the blog was the passing of my father. I knew my children would never have the opportunity to really know him like I wanted. In the days following the funeral I felt it was important to record memories of my father and my feelings about losing him. We try to keep his memory alive for Cody regularly. Just yesterday (Sunday), as we were headed down to the Eno river for a short afternoon hike, I stopped at the mailbox to untie the birthday balloon we had secured there for Cody’s birthday party the previous day. Cody said to me that we should let it go and send it to Pop-Pop (my dad). His idea. Under those circumstances, watching that balloon get smaller and smaller as it floated away had to be one of the saddest things I have ever seen. Just a lone balloon making its solitary journey. It had to navigate the oak tree in our front yard first and we were not sure it would make it. It probably would have been infinitely sadder had it gotten stuck in the tree but after several close calls it made it through. We stood there, in the street, watching it make its slow ascent into a beautifully blue January sky. As we made our way to the trail head at the back of our neighborhood we would turn, periodically, to check on its progress. I found myself feeling strangely comforted every time I turned around and could still see it. Before we made our plunge into the woods we stopped for one last look. It took us awhile but there it was. It was tiny at this point, just a speck that would catch the sunlight as it spun on the wind. I found it hard to let it go. Once I turned and headed down the trail that would be it. The balloon would be on its own having to find its own way. Reluctantly, I turned to bring up the rear of our little band of five.
When it comes to my children it is hard to celebrate birthdays fullthroatedly. Don’t get me wrong, I love celebrating their birth. I love watching all the new things they come up with. I love experiencing each new stage. However, I hate that each birthday, each new year takes me a little closer to saying goodbye. I wonder, when will he be too embarrassed to hug me and tell me he loves me when I drop him at school? When will he feel he is too old to cuddle with his dad and read a book? I know he is only 6 but it has already gone by too fast. We have growth marks on his door jamb in his room. We made a new mark this morning. Since Cody started kindergarten he has grown 3 inches. 3 inches! I always feel like he is taller and more grown up every night that I get home from work. Now I know he really is growing up right before my eyes.
On the way back from our hike I was presented with another reminder of the rapid passing of time. Lucy, our beloved dog of 14 years was struggling mightily to make it back to the house. Kathy and I adopted Lucy together when we lived in New York. We brought her back to our little Brooklyn apt. when she was just 9 months old. She was our first baby. If you don’t know Lucy you should. She is the sweetest dog you will ever meet and loyal until the end of time. She has seen Kathy and I through so many years. We will lose her soon, it is inevitable. Yesterday she looked older than I had ever seen her. As I picked her up to carry her the last leg of the walk I realized that we had probably just taken her on her last hike to the river. She just can’t do it anymore.
In the midst of all this sits Jacob. He is our smiling, precocious 13 month old. It’s comforting to know that I get to relive some of those same Cody moments all over again. I get to do first steps, first words, first scrapped knee and first day of kindergarten. I found it hard, at first, to integrate this new life into our family dynamic. Cody had been on his own with us for 5 years. Long enough to feel like an only child. But slowly Jacob has found his place in our group and made it the whole it will be for always.
These truly are just ruminations in the wake of my oldest child turning 6. I love him with all of my fiber and being. I would do anything for him. I love them both more than anything. So today I am changing the title of my blog to include Jacob. It feels like the right time for that transition.
I hope that when it comes time to let them go I can be strong. And I hope, just like that balloon, that they find a soft landing spot somewhere out of harms way.
Recent Comments