“What?”
“I asked if you are where you envisioned you’d would be at 41?”
“41? Holy shit…really?
“Really.”
“I guess that depends on when I was envisioning 41. Seriously not sure I ever envisioned 41. Later…I guess I envisioned later…but not specifically 41.”
“I think you might be avoiding the real question. 41 is arbitrary. It’s the envisioning I am trying to get you to tell me about.”
“I really have no idea.”
I really don’t and maybe that is the issue. I don’t think I ever thought in any real concrete terms about my future. I was always a “take it as it comes” kind of guy. I think I always had some idea that things would just work themselves out. So the real question is: Did they?
Let’s step back in time to the early nineties and college. Let’s be honest when it came to my grades I kinda coasted. I did just enough in my academic courses to graduate, barely. I wanted to be an actor. I wanted to be in shows. I wanted to meet girls. I wanted to go to cast parties. I did not want to study for a psych test. What did I envision for myself then? Red carpets? Oscar nominations? Maybe. But, again, in no real concrete way. I didn’t want it so bad it felt like a need. I loved acting. I knew I was good at it. Things would work themselves out because of my talent. Talent. What a crushing word. I have come to despise that word and the way it’s use by others can blind you to reality. People threw that word around but never defined its true meaning. I would venture to guess that, more often than not, talent is wasted. I know it’s an old maxim but talent without hard work is a waste. I had all the talent in the world and didn’t understand, at the time, that it wouldn’t ever be enough. In college that didn’t matter. Talent was enough to get you into the show and once in the show I did work hard. Working on the show, however, is the easy part. Working to get into the show? That is an actor’s real job. In New york City, talent by itself was going to get me nowhere.
My first weeks in NY only solidified my way of thinking. Within a month of arriving I had been offered two jobs as an actor on tour. Whoa, that was easy. I came back from that first tour thinking I was well on my way. I never got hired as a professional actor again. Five years into my eight year sentence in NY and I had totally quit the whole game. I was fed-up and bitter. I was constantly being fired from the places I worked waiting tables. It sucked.
“Hold on. I thought the title of this post was “Acceptance”"
“You missed the ?”
“Oh… I see that now.”
In truth it wasn’t all bad. I made some friends for life. I had some memorable, one of a kind moments that I can’t discuss in public and eventually I found a new direction. I was lucky enough to remember some of the things I did in my theater shop class that I could fake my way through being a freelance stage carpenter in the city. I worked hard on those work calls and landed a job at The Julliard School where I spent 3 seasons building theatrical sets in the scene shop.
Now we have to jump forward to now. That’s what we are talking about…right. Now? The only way that turn of events in New York gains perspective is in retrospect. So, regardless of whatever I may have vaguely envisioned for myself, all that matters is now and how I got here. So let’s break down where I am. Truthfully.
I have a job at Duke University building theatrical sets for the Theater Studies Department. A job for which I have no formal training. I have found a modicum of success as a local stage actor and have even appeared on local television. I have two incredible boys who are so smart and funny. They are my world. I have a wife I love and a marriage that is great most of the time but has seen it’s bumps. I have made some fabulous friends here in Durham and watched this city grow in some remarkable ways since moving here. I have a house that fits my family and in-laws that watch my kids so they don’t have to go to daycare. I don’t make enough money, but who does?
“Wait…wait…wait.”
“What? Come on, I was on a roll.”
“What’s enough?”
“What are you talking about?”
“What’s enough money?”
“I don’t know…more?”
“Not good enough. What’s enough?”
“I’d like to buy my wife a new car”
“Do you need a new car?”
“No…I’d like to travel with my kids more.”
“Valid want…but a necessity?”
“Should life be broken down to mere necessities?”
“I don’t know. You tell me.”
No, it should not. But that is the reality and it is a much harsher reality for many in this world. That argument, while true, doesn’t always make me feel better about my own circumstances regarding the almighty dollar. But that’s another choice isn’t it? I could spend my nights on continuing education classes in order to find another job I probably wouldn’t be happy with. I could chase that dollar every minute of my life if I really wanted to change my financial outlook. I don’t want to do that. I want to be available to my kids and my wife. I want to spend time with them. That is a sacrifice I have made for them. Hopefully my kids understand that when I explain to them why their friends have more stuff then they have.
So let’s recap: Great family, job I like and find fulfilling, more acting opportunities than I ever had in NYC, good friends, nice roof over my head and a cool city to call home. So what’s missing? What’s keeping me from that “Acceptance” that we all strive for?
I had no real answer when I started this entry. I think I may have come to an idea I can at least chew on for a while. I have been through failure at my own hand. I didn’t work hard enough to achieve something I wanted. More importantly, I didn’t work hard enough to achieve success and no matter how you parse it that is a failure on my part. That is the first thing I have to accept. The second thing I have to accept is the role I played in the success I did achieve. I went from being a waiter in NYC with no real direction to working hard as a freelancer and eventually working at Julliard in a profession for which I never trained. I made a leap of faith and moved back home to North Carolina with no job and through sheer perseverance (I kept calling until they agreed to an interview) landed my current job at Duke University. I have created a life for myself that many might envy. I did that. I had a role to play. I worked hard and deserve what I have.
The question is: What’s harder to accept; our failures or our successes? And what takes that question mark away?



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